Oddly painful memories

I was going through my pictures today and found this one. This is the last Christmas before Sain's diagnosis. She wanted the pony dance studio so much and I can remember her laugh all morning when she was playing with it.

Here's the painful part -- that was the last time I can remember Sain's laugh being truly innocent. Her health deteriorated shortly after that Christmas and the laugh, once it returned, was less innocent and more guarded. Sure, she still laughs and plays and behaves like other carefree 8 year olds but if you listen closely you can hear the guarded maturity of someone who has seen too much. Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy so why am I sitting at my computer crying over Christmas memories?

I joke with people about what I would give up/do for a cure but really, haven't we given up enough?

(Sorry for the depressing post. If it makes it any better -- Sain and Aidan are supposed to be asleep right now but I can hear them alternating between singing The Hockey Song and the Toronto Song. What good little Canadians! (I used the Toronto Song to teach them the provinces -- as anyone knows, I love Toronto and Ontario does not suck.) It's really quite funny!)